On Dealing With Teenagers
by Woodrokiro
Summary: When Greed took over Ling Yao's body, he did not foresee dealing with teenage hormones. AU in which Greed lives. LingFan. Drabble. Rated T for Greed's lovely mouth.


**A/N:**Written for the prompt regarding an AU if Greed survived and took over Ling's body to kiss Lan Fan. In other words: a fic in which I had too much fun like god these three give me so many feelings. Can be seen as a Greed/Ling/Lan Fan, but more focused on the latter two.

**Disclaimer:** Do not own Fullmetal Alchemist stop reminding me of this tragic fact plz

...

Greed will make a confession here and now and only once, so listen closely: taking over the kid's body?

Not too well thought out on his part.

Yeah, it was nice to _have _a body. Greed may be... Well. Greedy. Yet he is anything but ungrateful. Beside the fact alone that the body's a _body_, the kid is young and strong, hell of a lot easier to work with than what he could have gotten instead.

But. But the kid's _young_, if you know what he means.

Greed did not foresee dealing with a shit ton of teenage hormones.

It is clear she is important to him, there is no doubt about that. They are fiercely loyal to each other, and from what he's gathered they have a long history of growing up together. Childhood friends? Sure, he can believe that, and so can everyone else. Moreover to Yao's credit as the sneaky son of a bitch he is, not many would have noticed just how much attention he gives to his "bodyguard."

"So what's up with you and Servant-Girl?" He asks him on a rather boring day a couple of months after they're stuck together- and yeah, Greed kind of feels liking riling the kid up after hearing his goddamn thoughts about her every day. So sue him.

To his delight, he feels Yao tick. "We're not going to talk about Lan Fan," he replies with a calmed edge.

"Oh, but I think we should. I think we _need _to."

"We don't. She's a loyal servant and friend-"

"'Servant.' _Yeah_. _Okay_."

Yao bristles a little more. "Look, if you're worried if any- if there's going to be any complications with her and I, don't worry about it-"

"Really? That's good. 'Cuz see, I was just thinking she's a cute little thing, no? Nothing wrong with taking her for _myself_ then-"

"_You wouldn't dare_."

He's finally livid, and Greed is reminded of an angry chihuahua. How cute.

Greed hums, satisfied. "No, I wouldn't. See, if I really wanted her I wouldn't be involved in any kind of love triangle shit. I would _take_ what is _mine_, you understand?"

The kid is silent.

"Listen, Princey, since we have to deal with each other every waking second because I have your body and all that jazz, it's nice to know these sort of things. I don't wanna go into the whole 'teamwork' speech... But I will if I have to. Now," he finishes mock paternally, "Tell me about the girl."

A pregnant pause.

"Her family has served mine for generations."

"Okay, good start. See? We're getting somewhere. Go on."

"We've... She's technically served me since we were children. We were both trained by her grandfather: her to protect me, me to protect myself if... If they should fail."

"Fascinating," Greed deadpans; honestly, he feels like he's pulling teeth here. "So why was she pulled to protect you, huh? Don't you guys have some sort of patriarch style? You know, the whole 'man is better than woman' deal? Why not a boy?"

"She's her grandfather's son's only child. And everyone _thought_ she was going to be a boy-" he can practically feel the kid glow with pride-"Lan Fan never talked about it, but I asked the same thing of Fu once- Lan Fan's grandfather, sorry. The story goes that her mother went to a very wise and respected fortune teller in the village. Upon touching her belly, the fortune teller exclaimed, 'Aaah, this is a warrior! This one will protect an emperor, a _Yao_ emperor!' Everyone assumed it as a boy, then out came Lan Fan and Fu thought it would be too ill of luck not to train her into my bodyguard."

Greed feels himself cock an eyebrow.

"And he thought it was a good idea to do that?"

Yao falters. "What?"

"He thought nothing would happen between an attractive guy such as yourself-try not to blush, Kid- and his beautiful granddaughter growing up together? Fight together? _Protecting_ each other? He thought that puberty wouldn't knock on the door at some point and fuck everything over? That his 'young lord'-who is a hormonal teenager just like any other human kid- wouldn't have wet dreams about touching her, kissing her, making her _scream_-"

"Fu is an honorable man," the kid snaps irritably, quite used to his vulgarity by now (yet Greed also hears the undercurrent of embarrassment). "No. He would not expect any of these things because he and everyone else makes it quite clear to us what our relationship is. Nothing... Nothing has happened. Therefore, he has nothing to worry about."

"You know, 'has' is quite a bit different than 'will?'" He is met with silence. Greed scoffs. "Well. Gramps may be 'honorable' 'n shit, but he doesn't sound as logical as you make him out to be, does he?"

He feels the kid hesitate, then breathe out. "Fu is an honorable man," he repeats tiredly.

Greed snorts.

...

And so it turns out that Greed is stuck with aforementioned hormonal teenager.

The Promised Day comes and he manages to save Yao's ass because he may or may not like the kid (plus keeping them both alive to be emperor still sounds like a pretty sweet deal). Gramps ends up being killed by his asshat brother Wrath, and while he didn't really give two shits about him he feels for the kid and the girl, what the man meant to the both of them. Yao asks him if he will help Lan Fan carry the body whenever he's in control, and Greed does not say no.

And so it also happens that Greed embarks on a road trip with mounting sexual tension between the kid and the girl, complete with the kid's sister who won't stop grumbling to her panda about how annoying it is a Yao gets to be emperor.

But at one point they are inside an inn suite on the outskirts of Xing and thank whoever's in control up there the princess just took her complaining outside because apparently she can't stand to look at her brother right now and hooray for some peace and quiet but suddenly _holy shit the teenage angst in this room right now_.

Yao is in control at the moment, sitting in uncomfortable silence on one of the beds with the girl and Greed can practically feel the innuendo of the mattress beneath his legs screaming up at the kid. The kids starts babbling-cool as ever, but Greed knows by now- about well, Lan Fan, what a journey, huh? The longer he talks, the more serious he gets reflecting on how grateful he is to her and Fu, how he couldn't have possibly done any of this without them and the girl's nodding and/or protesting at the appropriate moments and the kid starts protesting back no Lan Fan, it's- you don't even realize how much-... How much you've helped me and _goddamn it Greed can't take it anymore_.

"Let me in."

Yao starts. "What? Wait, why-"

"Now."

"But I'm trying to-"

"You'll thank me in a minute."

He forces his way through, as if pushing through water and suddenly he's staring directly at the girl's flustered but pretty blush... And yeah. Okay. He can approve of this girl for the boy he shares this body with.

He reaches down to hold the girl's metal hand and inwardly grins when she squeaks.

"Y-young Master...?"

"This automail is lovely," he croons in his best Yao impression. In the back of his conscious he can feel Princey trying to hold back a very undignified, very _un-royal_ horrified scream.

"W-well it's supposed to be strong, not... Not pretty, Young Master, that way I can fight and protect you-"

"I know." He stops dramatically, purposely smoldering and before you ask yes he is literally gagging at himself right now because the things these fucking people have gotten him to do for them, honestly- "that's what makes it so lovely in the first place."

Yao is literally seething in his ear.

_Damn it, Greed, you have no right, _no right_, we made an agreement _never_ to involve Lan Fan and besides what kind of line is that? Who would even say tha- well, I guess I would, but never when I was really trying and I have _never_ really tried with Lan Fan because I know better than to mess up our_-

Ling Yao returns to his body with his lips very pleasantly pressed against Lan Fan's.

Greed shuts his eyes in the back of the body's conscious, tries to block out the sounds of sexual tension being released.

So he's trying to be a nice guy for once.

Sue him.

...

**A/N:** For those that were asking and all future askers: yes, I am still taking prompts. I'm already behind, but I think I will from now on because it's literally the only thing that will motivate me. Anywho, back to the fic. Please review if you liked it! Or didn't... But preferably the first :P Thank you!


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